Some Kind of Miracle

Two posts in a week!

Who is this person?

This person is working on a research paper and wants…nay- NEEDS – to think about something else…anything else.

I went for a walk earlier today. Ostensibly to clear my head, as I’d finally finished all my background reading and had composed my introduction. In reality, I just needed to get on my feet and off my posterior and MOVE!

Found this little beauty.

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I went where I am wont to go when I need mental space and fresh air. I went to a park. Specifically I went to Windsor Great Park – which if you caught my life video on Facebook, I’m sorry. It was an experiment. *shrug*

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Windsor Great Park truly is great. Not just because it is large. Not just because it is attached to Windsor Castle. Not just because it has a beautiful lake, gorgeous gardens or miles and miles of trails. I’ve only managed to explore a tiny corner of the park thus far. Every time I go I kick myself for not visiting more often, especially considering it takes me 12 minutes to walk there. I know. I timed it.

This evening it dawned on me, while making dinner, why I don’t go more often to a place I clearly enjoy so much once I’m there.

As much as I enjoy the park, I dislike going alone. I went today out of the sheer desperation to just move and be outside and breathe fresh air. But my realization clued me in to the fact that not only have I been isolated due to focusing on work – which is totally reasonable to a point – but I’m isolated because I don’t have the kind of friendships here where I can just call people up, send a text or stop by their place and do something fun on the fly.  I don’t have the kind of social structure where regular weekly intervals of solid people time are built in. In short…I’m legit lonely.

Being the extrovert that I am, lonely is a rough spot to be. Per my last post, vulnerability is scary. Owning up and saying I’m lonely and asking people to help me do something about it (to at least make them aware) feels desperate. It’s not the sort of problem that solves itself overnight. In fact, the only real solution (sort of some kind of miracle) is probably patience and time. Patience with the process of building authentic connections. The miracle will happen but occasionally it takes a little time.

In the meantime, I have to remind myself to get out and go smell the roses.

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