Waking from a Nap

Remember Rip Van Winkle? The man from the Washington Irving story about the man who fell asleep for twenty years, missed the American Revolution, and woke up to an entirely different world? That story.

I feel a bit like I’ve awoken from a Rip Van Winklesque nap. Don’t get me wrong I love me a good nap. LUV. I am a champion napper. So skilled my bestie bought me a shirt that proudly proclaims “Good at Naps”. I nap so hard I have a standing agreement with said bestie that involves texting her prior to any nap and she will call me (repeatedly) at a designated time to make sure I not only wake up but do something to prove I am vertical and conscious. I have always been, and my mom has long proclaimed, a sleeper.

So what does this have to do with anything? The last few years feels like one gigantic nap – during which I’ve had some seriously weird/bad/crazy dreams. I honestly cannot fathom how I took a nearly four year long hiatus from this space. Where did I go? Physically I’m in the same house, working the same job. I finished grad school. I did life and all the normal things associated with it. But mentally, I checked out and I’m just now feeling the need to check back in.

Like Rip Van Winkle, everything is vaguely familiar and yet also entirely different. This weirdly creates an undercurrent of conflict – a confusing swirl of loving certain aspects of life just as they are and struggling with desiring/implementing change in other areas. I feel the pull to make some big changes and simultaneously fear (or perhaps I’m just unsure about) the work necessary to make those changes happen, yet also desire to hold on to aspects of my life which are fulfilling and bring me joy and contentment.

I feel the urge to move and hold still simultaneously – but I don’t know where to move and am wary of becoming stuck. Strike that….becoming MORE stuck. I realized quite a while ago that I feel stuck. While I love my life, my freedom and my independence – it is hard to ignore social pressures. I want something else out of life, but not a house or kids or the typical things one associates with my age bracket. Though, I wouldn’t be adverse to a partner to join the adventure.

I don’t love the idea of my life simply continuing status quo for the next twenty odd years until I retire. However, I struggle to see a path outside of teaching and am not sure I want a different path, career-wise at least. I also don’t know I have the emotional wherewithal at this moment to do the work necessary to pursue that particular change. Mostly, because I’m still a bit groggy from this nap I just recently realized I’ve been taking.

So perhaps this is me…proving I’m finally vertical and conscious again. Now that I’m finally awake.